Tag Archives: Recovery

Caged, Curious, or Free

I have lived my life in a cage built of rules, close quarters with a lot of requirements.I yearn to raise a free daughter, I imagine what that would look like. I encourage curiousity, letting her wonder and wander,Saying yes more than no because after all, why not? I ask her to notice and sheContinue reading “Caged, Curious, or Free”

Divorcing the Shoulds

I’ve lived under the weight of Shoulds for as long as I can remember. The “supposed to” Unspoken and unspeakably high expectations. Through the last decade or so, I’ve been breaking free of the Shoulds.Liberating myself bit by bit,Loosening, though not breaking my shackles. The external ones were easier to see, “Don’t Should on me!”Continue reading “Divorcing the Shoulds”

Ready to Burn

Last night, my daughter asked me how to get a flat tummy, and she sucked her little belly in. “I want it flat, I don’t want it fat, like this” and she exhaled her tummy back out. She’s six. I know I’ve been pulled back into my eating disorder but I thought I was keepingContinue reading “Ready to Burn”

This is not a scale

This is a trap.This is going in Time Out. It can come out when I no longer imbue it with the power to determine my mood. I know who I am.I know how I feel. Yet time after time I forfeit that power— I hand it over to a number that tells me only myContinue reading “This is not a scale”

Perpetual Healing and Recurring Recovery

This is about my neck. And every thing really. But last night my neck got angry. Ten years ago, I sustained a life altering injury to my neck and shoulders when two cases of produce fell off the top shelf of the walk-in and got me like a guillotine. My healing and recovery have beenContinue reading “Perpetual Healing and Recurring Recovery”

Ego

The WORST I was listening to a woman I admire and she said something that landed so hard I have to share it. She said that she can’t say she had “low self-esteem,” because she had “no self-esteem.” And that part I’d heard before and nodded along with, but then she went on to remindContinue reading “Ego”

The Extremist, the Ocean, and Enough

I’m an extremist. I understand that now. I’m a perfectionist who thinks things (myself included) are either perfect or terrible, and if I’m not perfect than I must be shit. I am unlearning that dichotomy. As a student, I’d claim I failed an exam if I landed a C. I thought I wasn’t a goodContinue reading “The Extremist, the Ocean, and Enough”

Becoming a Badass: Dysmorphia and Acceptance

I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I almost always surprise myself. I must not remember or know what I look like. I remember the first time it happened, but I was in high school and I’d just dyed my hair. Bright, Angela Chase red. From a golden wheat brown that was neither a sunnyContinue reading “Becoming a Badass: Dysmorphia and Acceptance”