Self Worth

I was recently, and painfully, reminded that while people can change, most people don’t.

That the way they’ve treated you in the past is a real indicator of how they’ll treat you today and tomorrow (and tomorrow and tomorrow).

(Sorry, theatre nerd, I always have to say it in threes).

At first, I got angry and indignant. How DARE they. WTAF, etc etc.

Then I heard the therapists line from Dexter: “is this new behavior?”

And… no, it’s not.

And while it hurts, it shouldn’t be surprising, and as self-righteous and wounded as I’m tempted to be, I cannot change how other people are.

I always thought that if I worked hard enough, selflessly enough, if I improved myself and honed my skills, that everything would shift into place!

And while I wish that were true, it’s just NOT.

My bratty instinct is then to either stop trying, or double down and get obsessive.

Today I’m trying a new option.

What if, I work hard and improve my skills because I am a hard worker and want to improve myself. Not to earn some exterior approval or a round of applause, but just because that’s who I am and what I do.

I’ve been outsourcing my worth for decades, hoping that the next honor or award or recognition will finally validate me so that I’ll know that I’m enough.

What if… the struggle is the prize?

What if… I trust my worth is inherent?

What if… I do the work, not because I don’t think I’m good enough, but because I want to learn more, see more, connect more?

What if it’s NOT about improvement, but expansion?

I know I’m not there yet, but I’m trying on this new narrative. Because I’m so tired of feeling unseen, undervalued, under appreciated.

And if I see myself, if I value myself, if I appreciate myself… I’ll never have to feel that way again.

Or at least I can feel that way less often.

When you’ve been a people pleaser your whole life, it’s easy to forget that you too are a person.

And maybe it’s time to try recharging from within.

Thank you for your patience with me as I weave in and out of despair and hope. 

Please extend yourself the same grace.

You are loved. By me and others. Xox