Increased Agitation

Hi there. It’s cold and windy. Our PG&E bill was ridiculous even though we heat to 66 and run appliances during off hours.

I’ve been cranky and weepy and snappish. It’s been a lot already this year with the job loss, facial numbness, the brain scan, stuff with kidlet’s school, her big feelings, my big feelings, life just life-ing, you know?

And everything feels chaotic because it kinda is.

So I try to handle the things that I can.

I started to tidy my dresser top–not because I’m a tidy person, I’m a very spready person, I love horizontal surfaces… no, I don’t tidy because I’m tidy. I tidy because I’m a sloppy nerd.

I read that a huge amount of our nervous system processing is spent processing visual information. So when I look at a space and there’s a LOT to take in, it can be extremely overwhelming. A clearer space (even if it’s just my mess collected into a few containers or piles) is an easier on my brain space.

All this to say, I was clearing off my dresser when I came across my medical insert from one of the meds they put me on during all this weird brain/face thing.

“May cause increased agitation. May cause an increase in anxiety and suicidality.”

I sat on my bed and burst into laughter.

It was such a fucking relief.

My fuse was feeling shorter and shorter. A familiar rage that I thought I’d made peace with long ago had been rising within me. I saw myself getting saltier.

And I’d been doing the things!!! Going on walks, getting sleep, eating, drinking water, talking to people, meditating, and still losing my cool. After all the progress I’ve made over the few years.

And I know, progress isn’t linear, relapses, backsplash, ball change, and all that jazz. So I had accepted this recent upswell despite my best efforts as my own fault– part of my given nature.

Y’all. It’s been a side effect. (Perhaps a bit of this and that, you know… a rich tapestry).

And the most sitcom part of it all? My husband and I are chatting last night and I say, “Turns out a side-effect of one of the meds is increased agitation?”

And he’s like, “And anxiety. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. I totally forgot to tell you.”

But I couldn’t even get mad, I was so grateful.

Plus, he had rushed to the pharmacy before it would close to get me this medication when we had NO IDEA what was going on or what our future would hold.

I wasn’t even super mean to myself about not reading the insert because, again, keeping my eyes open was a challenge and then amid the everything it just… wasn’t a thing I remembered to do.

Until I was tidying my dresser top.

I’ve of course talked to my doctor, I’m weaning off that med and we’ll figure it out. We have so far.

So you keep doing your thing and I’ll keep doing mine.

Take care of yourself, you are loved by me and others.
Let’s go chew something.

xox, LC