Powerlessness

I’m (slowly) recognizing where my power lives, and where it does not. I’ve spent most of my life trying to flex my power.

“Intellect over instinct,” my dance teacher told me, and I became a master of overriding my body’s natural cues.

Hunger, fatigue, pain, nothing stopped me or even slowed me down. I walked home on a broken foot, I exercised through my lunch break, and these things I thought were worthy of praise, not concern.

I thought that extreme discipline meant total control. What I was unable to recognize is that I wasn’t powerful, I was completely powerless. My life was constructed around following certain rules, hitting certain numbers, maintaining an unthinkable schedule. That’s not discipline, that’s insanity.

I cannot change toxic diet culture. I can, however, unsubscribe from that shit. That’s where my power is right now. My power is my shifting perception– I can now see what was previously undecipherable. I can hear how ridiculous and unhealthy certain behaviors and assumptions are. I’m learning to recognize extremism in various forms.

And good grief am I an extremist. And I am powerless to change my past, but my strength lives in my ability to learn from my past and use those lessons to craft a kinder future.

Wishing you freedom and gentleness.

xox