I am tired and Do Not Know Where the Halloween Decorations are.

I should be decorating for Halloween right now. I am usually decorating for Halloween by now. But I am not. I am tired and I do not know where the Halloween decorations are.

I am tired and do not know where the Halloween decorations are because 569 days ago I came home from work and didn’t go back for months, we didn’t go anywhere for months.

I am tired and do not know where the Halloween decorations are because for 523 days my child did not have in-person learning and at one point I decided, sure, we can decorate for Halloween and go trick-or-treating at each door in our House– I feel like that was April, the first April. Yeah. The First April.

I do not know where the Halloween decorations are because at some point, I have no idea how many days ago, those decorations were properly put away, and then taken out again, and again, and again, and again and at some point I stopped putting them away and we still have skulls strewn randomly in our yard.

I am tired because I have been going nonstop in different directions since I can’t remember when, and after 43 days of being at school, Kidlette caught a cold and we got her swabbed and kept her home and when I said we couldn’t go to the park she LOST HER LOVING MIND, because the last time I said we couldn’t go to the park, we couldn’t go to the park for a LONG-ASS TIME. Like MONTHS.

“Oh, sweetheart,” I say, “This is just temporary, this won’t be like before.”

But after four days straight without other kids I can tell she doesn’t quite trust me that she gets to go back tomorrow.

“We got your test back, it’s negative, you get to go back to school.”

This is a best-case-scenario scenario– she only missed two days and gets to go back tomorrow, dodged the virus, great news. This is a happy story and we are grateful but we are tired. Though she’s just six, she’s wary; though I keep going, I’m weary.

I am tired and do not know where the Halloween decorations are because I thought 43 days at school would be enough time to recover from the 523 at home and it is not. Not when it was tested.

I know it is small potatoes and a total privilege for me to pout about her missing a class or gymnastics or her theatre class performance when she’s going to be just fine. I am not pouting about her missing her performance. She is not pouting about missing her performance. She is terrified that she won’t get to see her friends for a really long time. I am sad because I see her crumple and panic at that fear and despair. I am tired because I rush to fill that hole but I am pouring from a void.

But that’s not entirely true. I am not a void, I am a vessel with many holes. I have a lot of leaks I’m tending to, and I may be terra cotta the way I soak up moisture, and I haven’t refilled myself in a long while.

For 249 days I’ve been doing the work, plugging the holes and adding water.

But I have no clue where my Halloween decorations are.